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The Visit to the Caney Ridge Kin

Gray Wolf



Let me tell you all a story, about a man named Jed. Ahhhh heck, someone already done that one. This one is about some Caney Ridge Kin we have. Here-in-after referred to simply as CRK.


CRK moved from Ghost Rocks up to Caney Ridge some several years and a couple husbands ago. Now CRK has some of the finest qualities a person can have. Kind to everyone, uhhh well everyone except the officials at Clintwood Football Games, yep that is her, teaching all the kids the proper use of the English Language. See CRK is one of the biggest Green Wave fans around and has always been. Her stint as a BackUp to WILLIE THE WAVE in the late 70s proved that. Although she never had to SUIT UP, so to speak she was ready.


CRK has these two great kids, one is this beautiful daughter, the other is this good lookin' boy who eats enough for six men. The folks at Food
City, have a special buggy for CRK, itís a four-wheel drive with overload springs. She is a great mom and will someday be a wonderful GRANNY.


CRK is one of the best cooks around, and can really put on a feast, her Christmas Dinners will be the talk of the family for a hundred years. If she has a fault, it will be her ability to drive. We quit counting the fender-benders, and minor crashes after she JUMPED the
Cranesnest River, from what we have been told that red Trans Am looked like the General Lee on a Dukes of Hazard rerun.


A couple years ago, the Mrsss wanted me to take her up to CRKís house, it had something to do with Home Interior, Amway, Mary Kay, Fuller Brush, or one of those many ventures CRK has been involved in over the years. I tell the Mrssss we should call ahead and let CRK know we was comin'. The Mrssss said there was no need to and up Caney Ridge we headed.


We parked out front of her house and went to the front door and knocked. I guess we should have called. Down the hall CRK came running, you could see through the window in the door. Well she had on this pair of KNEE HIGH LEATHER BOOTS, with SIX INCH HIGH HEELS, kinda like the ones SluNain wore in a video. A pair of BLACK LEATHER DAISEY DUKE HOT PANTS, that were held together on each side with what looked like Black Boot Laces, all cinched up real tight., these hot pants were skin tight and shinny. Plus this BLACK LEATHER BRA-ZIER, that was tied in the back with more Black Boot Laces.


Have you ever seen on ESPN, out in the Mid-West every fall where they have these PUNKIN LAUNCHIN CONTESTS? They rig up these things and shoot PUNKINS across a big field. WELL this BLACK LEATHER BRAZIER, would have made a dandy, DOUBLE BARRELL PUNKIN LAUNCHIN RIG. You could have loaded them thangs with a couple TWENTY POUND PUNKINS, got a bunch of old inner tubes and made a big double barrel slingshot and slung them punkins a mile.


CRK had her hair all fixed up and made up and I am pretty sure  smelled CHANEL #5 as well. Being the kind hostess CRK is we were invited in. CRK said she was MOPING THE KITCHEN FLOOR. At this point I felt like we had interrupted something, but who am I to judge what someone wears when they mop the floor. CRK told us to have a seat and she would be right with us. Now I could see down the hallway into the kitchen. CRK grabbed a mop and mop bucket, began running hot water in the bucket and dumped some floor washing liquid in the bucket. She then yanks the bucket out of the sink and kinda dropped it on the floor and soapsuds went everywhere.


Obviously in a hurry, CRK began moving around the kitchen, moping up a storm, well she gets one of them HIGH HEELED KNEE HIGH BOOTS hung up and gets all tangled up. Lifting one leg up real high, she spins around and her foot, and leg goes right down in the mop bucket, now this bucket was one of those heavy metal ones with the mop head rollers that wrung the water out of the mop and a three foot handle for leverage. Already on a slick floor her heel flies out from under her, and the mop bucket sails out the window. Then you could hear a COON HOUND start howling and yapping real bad.


Have you ever seen anyone suspended in mid-air, arms and legs flailin' about, in an attempt not to fall? Let me tell you it was a sight to see. During all this action, I guess CRK produced a lot of G-Forces and must have torked the already tight BLACK LEATHER BRAZIER/DOUBLE BARRELED PUNKIN LAUNCHER, beyond the capacity of the Boot Laces to hold. Well the BLACK LEATHER BRAZIER/DOUBLE BARRELED PUNKIN LAUNCHER, come flying off her, whizzing down the hallway, zipped by my head and knocked a BIG HOLE in the sheetrock wall behind me.


I should have stated earlier that some of us are given a lot of brains, some of us a lot of money, and some of have been given certain ASSETS toward our bodyís configuration. CRK is such a person who had been blessed with these God Given Assets.


Now back to the adventure at hand. When the BLACK LEATHER BRAZIER/DOUBLE BARRELED PUNKIN LAUNCHER flew off, it released some of these ASSETS, at which time the ASSETS and GRAVITY must have taken over because she fell flat on her behind with a loud thud. I guess the force of the fall, combined with the tightness of the BLACK LEATHER DAISEY DUKE HOT PANTS, held together one each side with boot laces, was too much and well the laces popped. As CRK jumps up to (I guess find something to cover her up top ASSETS), the BLACK LEATHER DAISEY DUKE HOT PANTS, fell down around her knees, this caused her to loose her balance again and got them HIGH HEELED BLACK LEATHER BOOTS, hung up in the mop head. In her attempt not to fall again, she kinda SPUN OUT, and the mop takes off like one of those Hellfire Missiles the Military uses, FLYING out the same window the mop bucket had flew out of earlier. Next thing you know one of her neighbors cows was bawlin and howling, (if a cow can howl), and smack, CRK is on the floor again.


Well I just crack up laughing at her, I mean rollin around belly laughing. The Mrssss, gets mad and tells me SHE COULD BE HURT, and I should go help her. I then tell the Mrsss that, first off she may have already KILLED A COON DOG AND A COW, no way am I getting near her, and second, I have gotten in trouble more that once when you have caught ME LOOKIN at her GOD GIVEN ASSETS. I ainít goin in there with her GOD GIVEN ASSETS UN-HOLSTERED LIKE THEY ARE NOW.
All in all it was a nice visit.