TO THOSE MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight and advice to people moving to the South from the North
or anywhere else.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how
to use it by someone.
2. Just because you are able to drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Best stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Threemen in
the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out
of their way. This is what they live for. Their names will be Billy
Bob, Virgil, and Roy.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already
know the location of local hills, trees and rocks, you're better
off trying to find it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all"
is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you"?
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either. Yer even.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective; "big ol", as in; big ol truck,
; or; big ol boy, big ol dog etc. .
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL folks learned
to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!
" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will
ever say, or worse yet, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on
when the car was purchased. (This is not entirely true). I
am in the minority around here as a faithful turn signal user! However,
as I found out the hard way, visitors to San Antonio from Del Rio,
Texas may suddenly pull right out in front of you without turning
their turn signal on & when you hit them because you don't have
time to stop it will be your fault! ! ! )
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eatin.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December to git drug out.
14. If there is the prediction of, or the slightest chance of, or
even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is expected
at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything
from the store. It is just something you're spos'ed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house,
and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.